Thursday, September 20, 2007

so very sad

well, I am really sad and don't have anyone to talk to and so my blog is going to be my way of venting right now. I don't think anyone will read this anyway so I can say whatever I want.
I remember hearing a story that my mom once saw my grandmother trying to commit suicide in the bathtub. I couldn't believe the story. If you knew my grandma you would know that she was the most amazing woman, and she was so sweet and loving, and I can't believe that she could have ever been that low or sad.
Dave and I have been trying to start a family for 3 years and we are getting very frustrated, I now know what low feels like. This past week we had 2 couples that we know tell us that they are expecting and as much as we are super happy for them, we are totally frustrated. I am frustrated that people don't understand what we are going through. I am frustrated that it is so easy for some people and so hard for others.
I am frustrated that even though we would consider adoption we can't afford to. I feel like I am STUCK, I can't seem to get pregnant, can't afford to adopt, can't do anything. The one thing that I want so much is the one thing that I can't have.
I am trying so hard to look to God, trust in Him, cry out to Him, but what does that do? I don't know. I feel like I can't breathe. I read in the Bible that God said to "be fruitful and multiply" and that "children are a blessing" and I believe those words, but I see them happening for everyone but me. Why?
So, I still have to go to work everyday and put a smile on my face, and pretend that life is great, when I don't feel like I can go on anymore. I have to listen to everyone talk about their kids, grandkids, and everything, and hearing them ask me, "Do you have any children?" I just wish that I could say yes. I wish I had pictures to share.
Why is this happening to me?


Tara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tara said...

Oh honey, I know I can't feel your pain but please know that I am praying SO hard for you to have your very own baby. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. And you know what? It is ok to be sad. I happen to have several friends in your boat right now and one of them just joined an on-line support group for women struggling with infertility and she says it has really helped her.

By the way there are two women on my facebook friends list who have been struggling with the same thing. I just thought it might help you to know that you aren't alone.

And it is ok to be mad at God too. And you can vent to me anytime. Even though I know I can't relate to infertility I sure can relate to feeling sad/depressed/frustrated and angry with God and with the pressure to be "ok" all the time.
I love you Julia. And I will keep praying every day.

Ken 'n Cor said...

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I am in the same boat and know how you feel. All I want right now is to be a mom. We have only tried for two years, but I know what you mean when you said that it seems like everyone around you has such an easy time with it. Pregnant on the first or second try... I am actually in the process of working with a specialist to see if there is anything that can be done... or if there is anything wrong... or if it is just God's timing. I guess we just have to remember that "He GIVES and TAKES away" and we still have to chose to say "Lord, Blessed be Your name". It gets hard, but God understands and has big shoulders. Anyways, I will pray for you, and me, that we will be mommies.
(Tara told me about your blog...)

the Doug said...

We love you guys.

Tara said...

by the way, for some reason my comment posted twice so I deleted one of them. Sorry!

Naomi said...

Hi Julia, I know exactly the darkness that you are experiencing. My husband and I have been trying for almost 2 yrs and everyone around us are getting pregnant. I hate to have anything but joy for my friends and family who are pregnant but I have so much sadness. I am so sad that my closest friends are moving into a stage of life without me and I can't do anything about it! It's such a rollercoaster of emotions. I understand why God has so much compassion for the "barren" women in the bible.

Tara sent me the link to your blog. Please ask her for my email, I would love to "talk".