Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Rollercoaster ride

Well, I feel like my life has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for the past 3 years. I have gone from joy to despair back and forth for so long now. Dave and I have had 3 appointments with a fertility doctor and many tests...I'm back at depair, struggling to have joy.
We have a follow-up appointment with our Fertility Doctor on December 10th at 12:30...and I am half agony, half hope.
I need to pray that I will not have fear and dwell on the worst possibilities, but yesterday was the first time that it really hit me that it may not be possible for me to have children and I have to prepare for the Fertility Doctor to tell me that. Dave is encouraging me and saying that whatever happens, we will deal with it together. I really like the fertility Doctor that I have, that makes this a bit easier.
I really think right now that whatever the "diagnosis" may be, God is still in control and He knows what is best, even if I don't. And doctors can be wrong sometimes....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I won't give up!

So, I just took a week off work from my 2 part-time jobs, so that I could relax and get some rest. It was really nice and I went to visit my parents who were very encouraging! I got back to work yesterday and feel just as stressed as I did before I left. This is so not fun. I need a new job.

My parents gave me a book called The Successful Family, and it talks about a bunch of different things. One of the topics is about having children. In that book I read that God really does want people to be parents and he doesn't have favorites. That means when everyone around me is having babies, then I should not be sad, because God does not like them better than me. I will be a mom someday too.
Also, the book talked about things that we should do to fight for our right to have children. I have started reading my Bible from the beginning and I will write down every verse that I can find that talks about having children. I really like Deuteronomy 7:13 - He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb.
So, I am trying to be more positive, and believe that God does have a plan for me and that plan includes children.
This is a hard thing for me to do, when surrounded by people who don't understand and are pregnant or have children already, and don't understand how difficult this is. I don't really have anyone to talk to, but finally I think that Dave is seeing that I have been struggling with this all on my own, and he is starting to help me and encourage me, and pray with me. That is huge!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

so very sad

well, I am really sad and don't have anyone to talk to and so my blog is going to be my way of venting right now. I don't think anyone will read this anyway so I can say whatever I want.
I remember hearing a story that my mom once saw my grandmother trying to commit suicide in the bathtub. I couldn't believe the story. If you knew my grandma you would know that she was the most amazing woman, and she was so sweet and loving, and I can't believe that she could have ever been that low or sad.
Dave and I have been trying to start a family for 3 years and we are getting very frustrated, I now know what low feels like. This past week we had 2 couples that we know tell us that they are expecting and as much as we are super happy for them, we are totally frustrated. I am frustrated that people don't understand what we are going through. I am frustrated that it is so easy for some people and so hard for others.
I am frustrated that even though we would consider adoption we can't afford to. I feel like I am STUCK, I can't seem to get pregnant, can't afford to adopt, can't do anything. The one thing that I want so much is the one thing that I can't have.
I am trying so hard to look to God, trust in Him, cry out to Him, but what does that do? I don't know. I feel like I can't breathe. I read in the Bible that God said to "be fruitful and multiply" and that "children are a blessing" and I believe those words, but I see them happening for everyone but me. Why?
So, I still have to go to work everyday and put a smile on my face, and pretend that life is great, when I don't feel like I can go on anymore. I have to listen to everyone talk about their kids, grandkids, and everything, and hearing them ask me, "Do you have any children?" I just wish that I could say yes. I wish I had pictures to share.
Why is this happening to me?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Look at me, I am internetting!!! I have started a blog today, because I feel I have some dep\ep thoughts to share with the world, or anyone who will read this. Keep tuned in for my wonderfully deep thoughts! By the way, I love my nephews and my niece. They are adorable.